Vulnerable Motherhood

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for.

I first heard this passage two years ago when Elder Neil L. Anderson quoted it in General Conference. However, recently I came across the original blog it was posted on and thoroughly enjoyed reading the whole post.  A part that stood out to me was the very next passage after the above quote.  The author writes:

Christian mothers carry their children in hostile territory. When you are in public with them, you are standing with, and defending, the objects of cultural dislike. You are publicly testifying that you value what God values, and that you refuse to value what the world values.

This really put into words some of my feelings that I have struggled to identify.  I've noticed that I feel particularly vulnerable in public when I am pregnant.  And during my current pregnancy we purposely put off telling Jeremy's PhD adviser we were expecting until about a month ago.

Within the walls of our own home we are so happy.  Sometimes when I am watching my boys play together, or listen to them talking to me, I just want to burst because of how much I love them, and how amazingly wonderful they are, and how blessed I feel that Heavenly Father has sent them to me.  And we are so, so, so excited for this new little one to join us.  It's been amazing to observe how each of our boys is different, and what they bring to our little family.  We can't wait to see what this new spirit will bring with him.

But outside the walls of our home we become "visible"--open to others' interpretation without our input.  We recognize that our children (and my pregnant state) are a statement of our values, and that other people may not value the same thing.  I  feel unstated accusations that if we'd just stop having kids, then Jeremy could be graduated by now, we could have a "real" job by now, or any number of material possessions by now.  And I take a lot of the supposed blame on myself, because I'm the one who's pregnant, and a lot of society looks down on a pregnant woman.  Like maybe I'm uneducated or unmotivated, or simply incapable of "greater" things.  And to go out with my children, particularly when they aren't being well-behaved, I feel the eyes of a million strangers saying, we told you so, what were you thinking, and why have you done it again?!

A few months ago, Jeremy sent me out of the house for a little "me" time.  I got a pedicure, and while chit chatting with the gal doing my pedicure, I let her believe I was pregnant with my third child.  I never said as much, but in the few other things we talked about we didn't make it to each of my kids.  And the truth is, I didn't want the "Wow!" or the "You're brave!" or the "I could never do that!" or whatever "polite" response she might try to offer, not to mention any impolite ones. 

But maybe it's time to change my ways.  I know how I feel in my heart and I probably need to work harder to not let others' unknown opinions make me feel any less secure.   I need to realize how important it is that I do; because in doing so I am "defending the objects of cultural dislike" and "publicly testifying that I value what God values".  In that context, it hurts to think that if I am insecure about my motherhood in front of others, then I am leaving my children undefended.  That's the last thing I would want to do.

As I make my final preparations to bring my fourth son into the world, I want to become a better mother than I have been in the past.  Particularly, I want to keep my head held high when I leave the sanctity and security of my home.  Because we love our boys, and the reason we "keep having kids" is because we want to, we choose to, we love them and we love our life with them, and also, we believe God has commanded us to bear children.  So, I will defend my values to the world--I will defend my children.  Even on their very worst days. 

Subtle Shift

I have recently been watching a subtle but fascinating shift within our home. My boys are changing--all of them.

 There are many times when I see them playing happily together--as a wonderful group of brothers.

But I've been noticing more and more often that Jonas and Wyatt are pairing off in their own little world together.

They play games, and make messes, and "read" each other stories.  They wrestle (more than I would like), and giggle, and make such a happy little pair.  

 And Owen?  He's off doing his own thing.  Reading, or working on his own little projects, generally growing towards a more independent state.

I've been amazed to watch his personal responsibility grow lately--starting to internalize some of the lessons that we've been trying to teach him (for forever it seems!).  Like, if he wants me to make some sandwich bread, then he can get started grinding the wheat; and if he's ready to have us get started making Jonas' birthday cake, then he can wash out the mixer bowl to help us get ready. 

So Jeremy and I have been discussing these shifts and developments, alongside our current life-situation, and musing that: Maybe It's Time.  Maybe it's time for Owen to venture farther from home, to express that naturally-formed independence, maybe it's time for him to leave home for his schooling.  And maybe his family is ready for that change as well. 

(Jonas' on Owen's first day of Kindergarten)

It's interesting for me to think back to our original motivation for keeping Owen home.  All other considerations aside--we simply felt it was too soon.  Too soon for him to be away from our family full time.  It felt unnatural, and even detrimental to our family unit.  But now, things are changing, it feels more like a natural transition at this point.

We've worked hard these past few years to help really establish a family identity.  To build his relationships with his brothers--to help help him recognize the worth of his family.  The world is out there attempting to tell a different story, but I wanted my son to understand and really experience the relationships within his family--and the importance of them--before he left home.

Because he actually has left home already, and I've already seen how quickly his allegiances shift to friends and his respect for authority switches to teachers.  It wasn't long before I was feeling like I'd lost him forever.  Who knows, perhaps I was being oversensitive with my first child--maybe keeping Owen home a bit longer was simply a personal emotional choice, or maybe it was guided by spiritual inspiration.  I still can't say at this point.  But I am comfortable enough with my choice now to say that I don't think it really matters which was true. We think having him home was good for him, and good for our family.

And now, we think he's ready for a new set of experiences.    

A New Pair of Shoes

I finally bought myself a new pair of shoes, since I've needed to for quite some time (years, even?). I've been disappointed by the cheap shoes I've bought the last couple of summers--loosing their shape after just a few weeks and falling apart shortly thereafter.  But even though I found a great quality shoe that I liked, and knew would last a long time, it was still difficult to swallow the $90 price tag.  I had birthday money from my mother-in-law, however, and decided to "splurge".

However, over spring break I gained a bit of a perspective change.   



For spring break we visited Historic Nauvoo, and learned all about life in 1840.  An interesting fact we learned was that a pair of shoes cost a person about one day's worth of earnings.

I've heard facts like that before, but for some reason it made me actually stop this time and literally compare it to my own situation with the "expensive" pair of shoes I'd just bought.  Jeremy isn't employed full time right now, but if he was employed full time, at his current rate of compensation, a $90 pair of shoes is a completely reasonable purchase according to the standards of the 1840's.

I've been learning a lot more the last few years about cheap clothing--how we have way too much of it as a nation, and how the price of clothing has actually dropped over the decades encouraging people to buy more and more, and how this has brought with it personal dissatisfaction, and other social, economic and environmental problems.

My friend Aleatha sews new clothes from "old" clothes she picks out at thrift stores-- she was the first one to introduce me to the fact that our country ships bales of all our old donated clothes off to "charity" to other countries where they often are turned away, because the poor countries already are swimming in an excess of American hand-me-downs!

It's hard to not buy cheap clothes when you feel like you don't have much of a budget for this basic necessity of life!  But I've been realizing that I definitely feel the burden of cheap clothes in my life, and that maybe my life would be better with fewer, better clothes.  It's frustrating to waste a limited budget buying things that fall apart or stretch out quickly and need to then be replaced.  I also have plenty of things in my closet I bought because it was a great deal--but it wasn't really what I wanted, or doesn't fit right.  I hang on to these things guiltily because I recognize the lack of social responsibility in throwing out something I've only worn once or twice, but of course hanging on to them makes no sense at all.

I have a major problem with clothes for my little boys too.  We live off of hand-me-downs for them.   We've received hand-me-downs sometimes from multiple sources at once.  I was never selective--I'd put it all in the drawer, because "beggar's can't be choosers" --right?  And, yes, there are 3 pairs of khaki corduroys, but one pair might wear out and we'll need a back up. . . and a back up for the back-up--right?.  At one point a few years ago I literally gave away half of our 2T clothes to a friend with a baby boy, and when Wyatt worked his way through the 2Ts last year, I couldn't tell that anything was missing. 

Our problem is that all these clothes take up space.  We have a big family and live in a small house.  We really don't have enough room for our closets and drawers to be filled with clothes we don't wear while the handful of things that we love go through the short cycle of body, to washing machine, to folding table, back to body, without ever even making it to the drawers!

If we only wear a few favorite pieces of clothing, then that's all we need in our house.  If they are well-made, they should last a long time, and when we need a replacement we can acquire it at that time.  I'm psyching myself up (see me?)  because it's time to purge.  I need to make room for the new baby, and there's no reason for me to hold on to things just because they are already here.

My goal would be to let these feelings of stress over getting rid of things make me think harder in the future about what new things we bring into our home.  And really, I hope that I can keep the perspective I've been developing (really in a lot of areas in my life) about not insisting that the cheapest option is, by default, the best.  I want things that are high-quality and last, that I don't have to replace after one season.

And based on those principles and the lesson I learned over spring break--I will now wear my shoes without any false sense of over-indulgence, but a sense of respect for quality, and responsibility to take the proper care of my shoes so that they will last me a good long while. 

Kids and Money

Owen's been asking us for six months (to a year) to give him an opportunity to earn some money for  his own use.  We've resisted it for a long time, mostly because we don't have a lot of money beyond the basic necessities of running our household, but we were staring to feel like he he needed some kind of opportunity like that.  The final decision was made during fall General Conference when there was a few things that stood out to us including a talk specifically referring to benefits of giving children the opportunity to earn money.  And another one about children gaining responsibility using allowance money.  FINE! we said:-)  We'll do it.

So we've started slowly working into it the last few months, but we're ready to get serious now. 

We've decided to implement a system based off of this one and the one that it is based off of.   What we came up with is a system that is a little better for our current family situation, with the ages and abilities of our family.  Both of those systems suggest that Jonas and maybe even Owen would be too young to start, but they're not too young to be helping around the house anyway and they're definitely not too young to be asking for things at the store, so I think they're old enough for our version, which will definitely expand and become more independently driven as they get older, but right now is pretty low-level.

 In General Conference Elder L. Tom Perry spoke of teaching "'family economics,' where children have household responsibilities and can earn allowances so that they can learn to budget, save, and pay tithing on the money they earn."  Basically as we've been easing into this, we've realized that for our children to get these benefits of a family economy, it needs to be more structured and orderly.

So this system is much more structured than a lot of what we do in our home (including homeschooling even!) but I feel like it needs to be this way.  Finances have to be dealt with with exacting self-discipline.  There's no buffer.  If you over-draw your bank account it's overdrawn, and getting trapped in the credit pit needs to be avoided at all costs.  So those this chore and money system seems pretty rigid, but it's to teach our kids that money matters are serious ones.

The other thing that held us back was the idea that our children should help around the house because they are members of the family, not because they earn something for doing it.  The system we've created strikes a balance with that issue that I am satisfied with.

Chore System 
Boys can earn money for doing daily chores
Chores are in three inseparable groupings (morning, day, evening)

In a week each boy can earn as many dollars as his age
Boys also may earn extra chore money by doing chores on the “extra” list

All additional tasks given by Mom or Dad are simply to help the family, and should be completed with cheerful faces, without complaint, or asking for money.

Morning chores must be completed by 9:00 am
Evening chores must be completed by 7:15 pm

Upon completion, chore slips must be signed by mom or dad and placed in the bank box.

All chores will be cashed in once a week on pay day 
Must have at least 50% chore completion to earn 50% of total allowance
Must have at least 75% chore completion to earn 75% of total allowance
Must have 100% chore completion to earn 100% of total allowance
Boys may "bump up" to the next percentage level by memorizing a poem, quote or scripture.

“Extra” chores may only be cashed in if  75% completion of daily chores was reached that week
Disqualified “extra” chores will remain in bank box until a week wherein 75% completion is achieved

Boys will follow the 10-20-70 rule

Daily Chores
Morning chore: Make bed
          Put away pajamas
          Get dressed

Day chore: dishes, laundry, or sous-chef (rotates daily, helping Mom or Dad)

Evening chore: Clean up toys
          Dress in Pajamas
          Put away day’s clothes
          Brush teeth

Extra Chores $.50 each
Vacuum carpet
Take out garbage
Feed/water chickens
Clean up 1 bin of toys unasked
Straighten kids book shelf
Help sort recycling
Carry in groceries

10-20-70 Rule
10% of money goes to tithing
20% of money goes to save for mission/college
70% of money is given to boys to spend


And here is how it really works:

 This is our chore station on the side of the fridge.  Every morning they get a new slip with their name on it and three blank squares.  At 9:00 if the morning chores are done they get their first sticker.  The other two stickers are given out in the evening if they helped with their day chore, and when they've completed their evening chores.  Then they take their slip for the day and put it in the family bank box.

If they do an "extra chore" during the day we write that chore and $.50 and their name on a slip by itself and put that in the bank box. 

 Saturday morning after breakfast I get out the bank box.  We tally up the slips and see if they got 50-75-or 100% of their chores to earn their age in dollars.  Then I add on the amount for any extra chores.  Then we figure out tithing, and savings.  I distribute cash (including change) so they can give me back their tithing and savings.  Their tithing goes into a tithing envelope in the box which we'll take to church periodically (I also write the amount we put in each week on the back of the envelope, so we can keep track in case they get accidentally dumped.)

They pay their savings back to the bank, and I record it in a blank check register ledger to keep track.  We won't actually worry about keeping that money in our family bank, but I told the boys that when they reach $100 that we will open them their own savings account with that amount at a "real" bank.  The rest of the money they earned is theirs to do what they want with.  They each have little piggy banks to store their cash in.  At that point the family bank "closes" until next Saturday morning.

We've used the system for three full weeks now.  The first week the boys got 75%, the second week they got 100% and the third week they got 50%--mostly because I was sick and Jeremy was super busy so we weren't doing our day-time chores to have them help.

Obviously Wyatt is too young for this system, but we still have him help around the house.  We are really encouraging Owen to become more self-motivated in this endeavor, but Jonas is still young enough that basically all of his chores have to be done with "help."

We haven't had the boys do the memorization to bump up to the next level yet, but I think they will do that this week, because they were really dragging their feet Saturday morning, and didn't get their chores done in time.  But beside that we plan on this week being a 100% week again, since I'm feeling better again.  (And come on--it always comes back to the mom doesn't it?) 

Homemade Valentines Gift for a Guy

I'm working on Jeremy's Lovanzuanukah present.  (The upcoming week long holiday festival of love in which we will celebrate Jeremy and my 11th anniversary of knowing each other, 9th marriage anniversary, St. Valentine's Day, and (last-but-not-least) national half-price chocolate day!)

I'm making him homemade aftershave, and since there's still time to make it before most people will be celebrating the more traditional lovers' holiday of St. Valentine, I thought I'd share what I'm doing. 

Homemade Gentleman's Olde Spice Aftershave Recipe:

Materials needed:
3/4 cup witch hazel
2 tsp glycerine
1 large pinch alum (found in the spices or canning section of the grocery store)
1 small cinnamon stick
10 allspice berries
10 cloves

1 half-pint jar
funnel
coffee filter
small dark glass bottle

Add witch hazel, glycerine, and alum to half-pint jar.  Witch hazel is an astringent.  It helps close the pores after a hot shave, it also has 16% alcohol which disinfects any cuts. The glycerine is a byproduct of soapmaking it's a natural moisturizer and skin protectant to soothe the skin after shaving.  Alum is a blood coagulant used to help stop the bleeding of any cuts (in it's bulk mineral form it is the newfangled deodorant crystals I keep hearing people talk about).  All these ingredients are rated 0 or 1 (a green) from the EWG (follow the links above) meaning, super safe for cosmetic use. 

You can add a teaspoon or two of rum to the recipe as well to add to the scent and the alcohol disinfecting properties.  We don't drink so I don't have any in the home.  I'm not opposed to buying it for this project, but I chose to use what I already had on hand imagining $25 bottles of rum that would break my budget ($0) on this project!  

Finally add the spices.  Break up the cinnamon into small pieces, and crush the allspice berries and cloves just a bit to release their fragrances. 

Pit a lit on the jar and put it in a dark cupboard. 

Store it for 10 days, giving it a shake every day.  You should see it take on color from the spices--it is also taking on the fragrances. 

After 10 days strain through a coffee filter and funnel into a dark glass jar (brown or blue).  This bottle is from vanilla extract.  When It was empty I saved it because I knew it would be useful for this kind of project.  The dark glass helps the aftershave retain it's scent for longer. 

My aftershave isn't complete yet.  I created this recipe from some different ones I found, and I'm not really sure how strong it will end up.  If it's too strong of a scent I will just add some more witch hazel.  However I have heard that many people when using the original old spice could only smell it for a little while and then it went away--not really like wearing cologne. 

I had fun making labels for it as well (even though I did it without my in-house graphic designers' help this time!

Let me know if you try the recipe--you can also use any assortment of essential oils in place of the fresh spices--there are so many possibilities.