I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a good mother. I told Jeremy recently that a lot of times I feel like I'm just faking it. Not in a bad way--but just as in I still feel like a little girl playing house.
Take last Sunday when we got home from church at 4:00 and a plan for dinner was yet to be made. I turned to Jeremy, "Don't good moms have roasts waiting in the crock-pot when you get home from church?"
Majority of the time I do make plans for dinner but even then I sometimes fall short of the mark. It's typical-if we are having tacos for example-for me to be shredding lettuce and grating cheese while sitting down at the table, after we've said a prayer over our meal even.
Forget coordinating bowls of condiments, I'm lucky if I don't have to get up from the dinner table more than twice to go back to the kitchen or fridge for an essential element I forgot.
That's what I mean about "faking it." (We won't even discuss the home-keeping skills a "real mom" is supposed to posses!)
Along a similar train of thought I've mused over my parenting behaviors I display in public versus those I display at home. Do I yell at my kids at home? Yes. Am I proud of it? No. Do I think I should stop doing so? Yes.
When I'm out in public-particularly around people I know-do I yell at my kids? No. Is it because I'm trying to pretend I'm the world's greatest mom? No. Is it because being around people I know makes me feel motivated and maybe feel support I need to be a "good" mom? Perhaps.
I think both my efforts faking it at home along with faking it in public are about the same thing. They come from this idea in my head of what a good mom, a homemaker, a Mother is supposed to be. And in my life, I try not to loose sight of that ideal. I don't know that I will ever fully become that woman. But I know that if I give up that ideal and never think about her, then I definitely won't.
So although I know I'm not perfect, I'm working on it, and if I go through the motions and fake it for long enough then maybe, slowly, that faking will become natural. The love, the organization, the compassion will seep in through cracks in my laziness and my short-temperedness, and push those undesirables out. I may end up becoming very similar to that Woman I was emulating all along.