Jeremy and I lived in the same town for only the last month and a half of our six month engagement. We made up for the lack of proximity with daily conversations over the internet and telephone. Like every giddy engaged couple we spend countless hours dreaming. We dreamed of our marriage, our homes, our children, our lifestyle.
Since marriage we've continued to enjoy dreaming together, we discuss politics and theory and personal experiences--all these things adding to our collective ideas about life, how we see things and the goals we set for ourselves, and how we see our family's life.
For much of our marriage I've spent the time away from Jeremy waiting for him to come back--whether he's at work or school--so we can "do things" together. So we can do all the things we've talked about wanting to do together. This waiting has continued even since our children have been born. We wait for daddy to come home so we can go to the park together, or work on a project together, because even though Jeremy is doing things without us--I haven't wanted to do things without him. Because these things are our dreams.
It was never our dream for Jeremy's professional life to include a lot of me, but our family dreams were meant to include Jeremy. And so we've waited. We've waited for Jeremy to go to the zoo; we've waited for Jeremy to go to the farmer's market; we've waited for Jeremy to read a new book. All these things are good. Jeremy has to be a part of our family dreams, but now it's time for some new dreams.
It's time for me to start dreaming about my life, with my boys, without Jeremy. Because if we always wait for Jeremy to come home before we do anything we will be missing out on a whole lot of our lives. This seems so obvious and yet it's taken me a long time to come to this realization. When we were engaged I dreamed of our life together--I didn't spend my time dreaming of what our life apart would look like after we got married--but it's time now. My boys need me. My children and I will dream of our future days together--what we will do while their daddy is away.
We need to be active, we need to have fun, we need to learn. We need to do it all while Jeremy is away from us. And we need to not feel guilty about it.