Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I wish I was confident that I knew what was right, that I had everything figured out, that I had no reason to second-guess myself.
But I'm not--I don't have that confidence. I believe in learning, and expanding my mind. I love reading and researching and becoming more. In some areas I feel like I've accumulated enough knowledge to feel confidence. When it comes to food--I know what I believe. I can talk about food choices with no shame or apologies. I am confident with my actions, knowledge, and beliefs on the subject.
But my kids are another matter. I have thoughts, and beliefs, and I've done tons of research-- I did, after all, receive the ridiculed "Marriage Family and Human Development" bachelors of science degree from BYU-- but it doesn't matter. I lack confidence as a parent. I lack confidence that the choices I make are the "right" ones. I don't get the results I think I should from the choices that do feel right to me. So I question myself.
It seems like everyone else has the right answer. Everyone else has made choices--they don't question them. I'm the only one that questions them. But that's not enough, I question the alternatives as well. So I'm lost in the middle of this life-test called parenting and I don't know any of the answers. I try to figure out the problems but I don't have any way to check my work and see if I'm even on the right track.
Owen is old enough that we talk and converse. I'm scared by the fact that he's old enough to be forming memories that he will still remember in a few years. It seems too soon. I'm not ready for that--I was supposed to have things figured out by now.
But I don't.